Some journeys in life are inevitable. We cannot reject, delay, or negotiate these by saying “No thank you!, “Not today please!,” or “Is it too late to switch?” because the outcome of avoiding the course dealt by the hand of destiny is fatal. Irrespective of how much the ground trembles underneath our feet, we can only embrace the road that lays open and give our best. Even the most vicious venture can turn into a blessing and a nurturing place for discovery, learning, growth, and healing from more than just cancer if we dare to enter the path that is meant for us. This is the story of my cancer journey which I neither asked for nor wanted but still traveled. Along the path, cancer infected the blueprint of my body – every particle, cell, molecule, and ribosome – to profoundly transform me.
I am using Joseph Campbell’s (2008) hero journey to tell my cancer story. Influenced by world mythology and psychology, Campbell outlines the hero path in The Hero with a Thousand Faces (1955/2008). While the hero journey is based on the life transforming transitions of epic heroes, it can be used by anyone who works through life changing events. The hero journey is like the rite of passage because both describe the change of individuals. However, whereas the rite of passage is social and institutional, the hero path describes individual change, growth, and wisdom (see Campbell 1988; see also Greenblatt 1995). Furthermore, I construct Campbell’s hero journey on Julia Kristeva’s concept of working through the abject. The benefit of the hero journey is that it formulates the abstract enterprise of processing the abject.
In the Morgan interview (1995), Julia Kristeva compares the engineering of the subconscious of the rite of passage with the purification of the abject: “one could compare the subconscious workings of such a practice [rituals that purify the abject with rites of passage].” As such, the abject is a border, a frontier, an Other, and a threat which destroy the sense of self from the inside. The concept is heterogenous and both unbuilds and builds the sense of self (Kristeva 1982). However, few researchers have recognized the potential for rebuilding. In line with Sarah K Hansen’s (2010) work, I call this process for working through the abject. Simplified, I define working through the abject as the psychic process of overcoming the limitations of the abject which at first, seemed impossible to exceed (see Kristeva; see also Hansen 2010). In the Power of Horrors, Kristeva describes the somatic symptoms of the abject as
”a language that gives up, a structure within the body, a nonassimilable alien, a monster, a tumor, a cancer that the listening devices of the unconscious do not hear, for its strayed subject is huddled outside the paths of desire.” (Julia Kristeva 1982: 12)
Drawing from Kristeva’s description, I view cancer as the barrier, the abject which I – the strayed subject – overcame by confronting fear which eventually helped me rediscover self-love, intuition, and soul. In this light, the process of working through the abject can be viewed as the hero’s road to personal growth, development, and expansion.
In the interest of this post, I have simplified the journey to include the following phases of the hero: 1) the ordinary world and call to adventure, 2) refusal of the call, 3) crossing the threshold, 4) special world: death and rebirth, and 5) return with the elixir. The first phase introduces the hero against the background of normal life and the triggers of the journey. The second phase shows the hero’s turning away from the call whereas the third phase demonstrates the hero’s traversing of the boundary to the special world. In the fourth phase, the tests and ordeal – the latter in the form of death and rebirth – of the hero are presented. Finally, the fifth phase outlines the hero’s return to normal life with the “treasure.”
1 Ordinary World and Call to Adventure: Life Was Good until Death, Coronavirus, and Cancer Came Along
After a painful divorce and a period of healing, I was ready to take on the world again. I had started dating and met an amazing person. I had also landed a faculty position as Doctoral Student at my university and was looking forward to moving into my dream apartment with sea view. On one of our first dates, my new friend joked about the advantage of living close to the hospital in case something would happen. Little did I know how important the hospital venue would soon become. Thus, in the ordinary world, which is the first phase of the hero cycle, I was happy; life was good. Yet, my blissful state would soon be challenged.
In early 2020 I was called to the adventure of the hero journey through demise, coronavirus, and cancer. First, my date’s father died. Next, coronavirus hit Europe and locked down Finland from the rest of the world. Code orange was the new black: Social distancing and the closing of borders, schools, universities, sports facilities, and restaurants were the new reality. The news outlined a coronavirus war, and people were afraid of catching the deadly virus. Traveling freely was no longer permitted which complicated my life. I could no longer see my daughter or new friend nor work as a yoga or aerial instructor which I adored. Neither could I go to my office at the local university. I was miserable, isolated, and alone. Focusing on my dissertation was a struggle although this was just the visible tip of the iceberg that was about to hit me.
A recent PAP smear indicated malignant cell growth, and in March, my doctor broke the bad news of cervical cancer. It says in the medical report, that the patient was prepared. Even if I couldn’t sense the cancerous tumor, I knew that something was terribly wrong when the results must be given in person. When my doctor suggested counselling, I declined the offer by saying that “I am strong,” but during my walk from the hospital to home, tears coursed down my cheeks unchecked.
I only informed a few about the recent change in my health. Although we couldn’t interact in person because I now belonged to the coronavirus risk group, I had a small circle of people who were willing to walk next to me on my journey. They made me feel loved, valued, worthy, and cared for in great and small ways. Past and present family checked on me. Some of them delivered groceries and meds when my immune system was low. My date turned into a supportive friend; and somewhere down the route, I reconnected with a distant old friend. Indeed, time and space are insignificant in true friendship. Moreover, my university offered flexibility during my sick leave. Without these people, I would have lost track of my destination many times. Most grateful as I am for all of them, this journey was still mine to venture upon alone.
2 Refusal of Call: Cancer, Fear, and Waiting
Cancer describes a loss of body control in which cells divide uncontrolled. The word cancer comes from Latin and means crab. It was the Greek physician Hippocates (460-370 BC) who named the disease after the crab-like shape of malignant tumors although these were known already in Egypt (3,000 BC) where the first systematic study on breast cancer was conducted. The Egyptians concluded that “there is no treatment” for this disease (ACS 2020a). However, today we know that cancer is curable through different therapies, for example, surgery, radiology, and chemotherapy. If the disease is discovered early and still localized, the prognosis is survival. New technology also cures regional stages of cancer or prolongs the lives of those diagnosed with distant spreads of the disease.
In Western society, the story of cancer builds on the emotion of fear. Studies have found that up to 50 % of the US and UK population fear cancer more than any other disease (Vrinten et al. 2017). Nearly 50 years ago, US President Richard Nixon launched his war on cancer through the bill National Cancer Act of 1971 which modernized cancer treatment and research. Following Nixon, media have declared war against cancer, illustrated in British newspaper The Guardian’s headline “New war on cancer aims at longterm survival, not cure” (Boseley 2019) and public service broadcaster BBC’s documentary “War in the Blood: A Cure for Cancer?” (BBC 2020). Charlotte Vrinten et al. (2017) explains that cancer is viewed as an enemy which sends the body into a fight and flight state. Simply put, seeing cancer as an enemy turns the body into a war zone.
Cancer provokes many different types of fear. Besides the terror of the disease itself, cancer provokes frights concerning the treatments and disability (Vrinten et al. 2017). Other fears that patients grapple with are recurrence and stigmatization. The American organization National Coalition of Cancer Survivorship (NCCS 2020a) points out that the fear of recurrence leads to worry, anger, panic, and suicide. Because cancer is stigmatized, people with cancer are also afraid of negative attitudes, biases, and discrimination from others (NCCS 2020b). Furthermore, cancer relates to the fears of contamination and death. In combination with these, it slides from fear into the unsettling emotions of guilt, shame, sadness, grief, discomfort, pain, and disgust (see Kristeva 1982; Ahmed 2004).
Stigmatization and negativity provoke stereotyping. When this happens, the disease takes over the identity of the person with cancer who is victimized (see Henry 2009). The victim of cancer will encounter some form of social abjection from others through, e.g., awkwardness, bad emotions, prejudices, discrimination, ignorance, or blindness. Victimization, then, leads to the emotions of guilt and shame of having cancer. When overwhelmed by guilt and shame, cancer becomes a wrongdoing, a crime, and a disgrace of the body which goes into hiding (see Ahmed 2004: se also Burgo 2020). As consequence, victimization silences many stories of cancer survivorship and healing. Since cancer stories are repressed also in academia, I want to tell my story to break the stigma and normalize cancer because, I, too, was a victim. I, too, felt guilt and shame. I, too, was failed, unlucky, sad, and lonely. I, too, was in denial and at first, refused the call to adventure of cancer because I, too, was afraid.
3 Crossing the Threshold: Waiting, Self-help, and Proactivity
The waiting period between diagnostic procedures and definite treatment was long and fearful. I relate the waiting to the hero’s crossing of the threshold because it initiates the disintegration of the self. In the crossing, the hero leaves the ordinary world to enter a new condition appertaining to the unfamiliar. During the wait, 1 in 7 cancer patients will break down in anxiety, fear, and distress of mortality together with the unknown. It feels like your life is in abeyance and all you can do is wait for a call from the doctor, the next appointment, the next test, the test results, the staging, and the treatment plan (see Rosenbaum 2020; Doolittle 2020). For me, fear provoked the feelings of stress, discomfort, tension, pain, and anxiety related to cancer, treatments, death, and an unknown future. I wrestled with my unwelcomed visitor. Questions like “Why me? I’m too young for cancer,” “Why can’t I feel it?,” “Why aren’t there any symptoms?,” and “Will I die?” pervaded my mind.
When fear and negativity overwhelmed me, I realized that I had no armor against them, and I started to read articles on emotional regulation and intelligence. For example, Royale Scuderi’s (2020) article introduced me to emotional intelligence which shortly refers to emotional self-awareness, management, and strength, as well as the harness and development of both personal and interpersonal emotions. I also read Ashley Elizabeth’s (2019), Austin Bollinger’s (2020), Kirstin Donovan’s (2020), and Amy Morin’s (2020) writings on mental strength and resilience. In addition, I became interested in how other researchers overcame negative emotions and fear to illustrate Noam Shpancer (2010), Isha Judd (2011), Mike Robbins (2011), Toni Parker (2016), Jordan Gray (2020), and Tony Robbins (2020).
"I developed a self-help guide to work through fear"
Through these readings, I developed a self-help guide to work through fear, comprising the steps of 1) awareness, 2) identify and name, 3) locate, 4) feel, and 5) transcend. The first step, awareness, is to become aware of and accept the emotion(s) in the body without judgement and denial. You may acknowledge your emotion(s) by asking yourself “What is this feeling?,” or by telling yourself: “I know that I feel anxious and scared right now and I am going to be okay with it.” Oftentimes, since affect and cognition are intertwined, racing thoughts accompany negative emotions, such as fear, which causes overthinking. Control your mind by simply adding “Nothing bad is happening in this moment. It is just my thoughts that are wandering.” In the second step, identify and name, you identify your emotion(s) by name, for example, “This is pain that I feel. This is fear lingering in my body.”
For the remaining steps, step three, locate, calls for locating the feeling(s) in the body. You can do a quick scan through your body to find where the emotion is stored or ask yourself: “Where is this feeling?” Fourth, it is important to feel the emotion(s). Ask yourself, how does the emotion feel, or what happens in the body when it arises? You can also direct your attention towards the place of the feeling and breathe into it. Another way is to encourage the emotion to grow bigger by saying: “Thanks for showing up, please give me more.” While it will feel differently for everyone, I experienced the building up of fear around my heart as an acute chest pressure. It felt like a golf ball was pressed into my heart causing intense pain.
In the fifth step, transcend, you work through your emotion(s). If you want to master your feelings, you must learn to move beyond them. Through the self-help approach, you are now aligned with your emotions: You have accepted, named, located, and felt them. Now it’s time to go deeper and discover what lies beneath them. You can start by writing down what causes you to feel this way. The question for this might be "What am I afraid of?" After identifying the sources of your feelings, ask yourself “What is causing me to feel this way?,” “What is behind this feeling?,” or visualize yourself crossing over the emotional border in search for that which lies beyond. If you’re able to transcend your emotions, you will be surprised by what you find on the other side. When I moved past fear, I found excitement although at this point, I could not wrap my mind around what caused it. In addition to emotional transcendence, you may overcome fear through proactivity.
Being proactive and learning about cancer reduce fear and help you take control. I was extremely proactive during the waiting period and read everything I could about my cancer form, the treatments, and the side effects. Through knowledge, I was able to mentally prepare for the treatments, as well as making necessary changes to my life in order to ease the treatment period.
Good nutrition was one of these changes. Since the side effects of my treatments included nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea, I made several dietary changes, such as omitting caffeine and lactose. I also committed to eating small protein-rich meals at 3-hour intervals and to juice daily to get my vitamins and greens. After having been a vegetarian/pescatarian for 14 years, I included red meat on my plate again. Good nutrition reduced the side effects to a bare minimum, helped me stay strong and maintain my weight. If these changes are suitable for you depends on your cancer form and treatment plan.
4 Special World: Death and Rebirth
The day came when my treatments started. I compare the treatment period with the hero’s crossing into the special world. My 7-week plan comprised chemoradiotherapy and brachytherapy. I tried to convince myself that 7 weeks are a limited period and that my life looked bright after the treatments.
Don’t wait until the treatments are over until you heal. One helpful advice that turned into my mantra was to embrace healing during the ongoing treatments. I read that people who envision healing early have a speedier recovery and return to normal life. Thus, already from the start, I was focused on remedy. In addition, I stayed active.
Another advice is to stay active. New research shows that physical activity during cancer treatment improves the quality of life (ACS 2020). Physical activity played an important part of my recovery and wellbeing even if I was forced to reduce my exercise routine during the treatment period. Staying active helped me cope with fatigue related to the weekly chemo injections and the daily radio sessions at the hospital. Being active also helped me manage the internal radiotherapy which finalized the plan and during which time I was hospitalized. Although I was lucky to experience only mild side effects in the form of nausea, fatigue, and concentration difficulties, I still had days when I could hardly get out of bed. However, even on my worst days, I took walks outside, maintained my yoga practice, and enjoyed biking.
A third advice is to take advantage of the resources that are made available to you. You can try to find out if your hospital offers service like helplines, counseling, and physiotherapy, etc. For example, I consulted nutritionists, sexual therapists, and physiotherapists to speed up recovery and prevent the risks of side effects. In brief, despite being proactive and seeking good nutrition, healing, exercise, and consultation, I was touched by the severity of my illness.
Every time I came in for my chemo session, death brushed against me. Due to intoxication, I experienced weekly deaths and rebirths. While the drug was slowly injected into my system, I worried about the craziness of the side effects. Would they be kind to me this week or show a nastier side? I felt concern for the other patients in the department. Did they feel pain? How many of them were dying? I realized that although I didn’t experience pain, in similarity with Christopher Hitchens (2012) quoted below, I was in an abject state of passivity; I was mortal.
When I go to the clinic next and sit with a tube in my arm and watch the poison go in, I'm in an attitude of abject passivity. It doesn't feel like fighting at all; it just feels like submitting.
Mortality, Christopher Hitchens (2012)
The chemo affected me in surprising ways. The chemo drug made me extremely hungry. Even though I counted my protein intake, I starved. It was a bizarre state of starvation, oftentimes, with a lingering nausea clinging to my throat. Since the drug made me energetic, chemo days were my best writing days. A large part of this post is written under the influence of the drug Cisplatin dripping into my veins. However, this toxic energy was deceitful and would soon end in exhaustion, scattered thoughts, and the death of the self. During the weekends, I nearly recovered from the drug; I was reborn, only for a new cycle of treatments to start the following week.
5 Return with the Elixir
Finally, the day came when the treatments were completed, and my doctor announced that I was free and could have my life back. While I was extremely happy, I was shocked that my journey had come to an end. It was difficult to embrace freedom and imagine a life outside the treatment routines.
My life and priorities had changed. My dream home that I once adored, didn’t feel like home anymore. The hardships, isolation, and loneliness experienced by cancer and coronavirus had turned Finland into a prison that I longed to escape. I went West to think about my future and to reunite with my daughter and friend. While my journey is over, her has just began, and he’s still processing his loss.
Many different journeys by the same and different travelers interact, overlap, pour into each other, create, and divide, only to find each other again, in order to give life new meaning. They operate in cycles: When one dies, another one begins.
During this new journey to self-discovery that I now find myself upon, I've gained insights into how much fear still clouds my intuition and limits my freedom especially when I step into growth and expansion. I realized that I must keep working through my childhood fears to strengthen the intuitive voice of my soul in personal and professional relationships and encounters. I learned the difference between fear and intuition, that intuition is driven by love and soul, and that self-love is the true power and answer I had been seeking all along since only through the love of the self can we truly love another.
Somewhere here, I promised myself that despite, at times, feeling afraid, I refuse to allow fear to stop me. Instead, I will be bold. I will love myself. I will grow. I will write. I will keep transcending my fears and unleash the excitement of my soul and sail West for my next writing retreat. This new journey of mine is not over. It has merely begun.
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